Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Soviet Humour - not "You'll die laughing" but "you'll laugh or you die"...

Here are a number of Soviet jokes I've had the pleasure of hearing. Hope you enjoy them too :)

A Communist, a Capitalist and a Socialist were walking down the street.
The Socialist turns to the others and says: "I'll just join this queue to get some butter"
The Capitalist says: "What's a queue?"
The Communist says: "What's butter?"

What do you call a musical quartet returning to the USSR after a foreign trip?
A trio.

A wolf is hunting in the forest and sees a rabbit.
The wolf jumps up to the rabbit and snarls: "Arrgghh, I'm going to eat you!"
The rabbit looks up at him blankly. "Have you got a meat coupon?"

An American Union boss goes on a trip to the USSR to take a look at working conditions.
He's shown inside a typical Soviet workplace and is shown around. In one corner he sees two men playing chess. A little further he sees a group of workers standing together smoking. In another area he sees two women making tea and chatting. In another office a man is on the phone talking to his wife.
As he leaves the building the American says to the workers: "Thanks for your time. And good luck on your strike!"

What is alive, 100 metres long, and lives on potatoes?
A line of people outside a meat shop.

At a newspaper stand, a man asks for a newpaper.
"Have you got "The Truth"?"
"What about "Communist"?"
"Sold out"
"What about the "Agriculture Daily"?"
"It's finished"
"What about "Labour"?"
"We have that for 2 kopeks"

A group of violinists were going on a foreign trip. The conductor was giving them some advice before leaving.
"Now, when we get to Germany, I want you to buy clothes. Then, when we get to Italy, sell the clothes and buy shoes. Then, when the get to Japan, sell the shoes and buy electronics. Then when we get back to the USSR you can sell the electronics"
One of of the violists puts a hand up.
"Should we sell the violins too?"

During the time of Gorbachev, a young boy asks his grandmother about Soviet leaders.
"What kind of leader was Lenin?"
The grandmother makes a look of disgust.
"Lenin was an evil man. He let the people of Russia starve in a famine"
"What about Stalin?"
"Stalin was evil man. He killed lots of people"
"What about Brezhnev?"
"Brezhnev was an evil man. He destroyed the Soviet economy"
"What about Gorbachev?"
"Let's see until after he dies"replies the grandmother.

Some countries are famous for their levels of secrecy.
In Germany, the workers don't know what their boss is doing. In France, the man doesn't know what the worker at the next desk is doing. But in the Soviet Union, the worker himself doesn't know what he is doing!

Communism is a system that allows people to solve the problems that wouldn't exist under any other system.

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